My life is great… so why am I depressed?

Well, this has taken a while.

And by that, I mean both writing this post, and also coming to understand what I actually suffer from.

It might seem a bit odd writing the title of this post during the times we’re currently in. If you’re coming to this page in the future, at the minute we’re in lockdown, barely allowed to leave our homes, due to a pandemic sweeping the entire globe. So, yeah, most people’s lives are a bit shit right now.

To be honest, I’m amazed I managed to pluck up the courage to have a wash, put on actual jeans and not eat Wagon Wheels all day. But you know what? I’m coming to terms with the fact that that is okay right now — but that’s a story for another day.

The idea behind this particular post came around in February, when I was doing a lot of thinking about my mental health before the shit hit the fan on a global scale.

I have struggled for many years with mental health problems. To be honest, probably longer than I can remember now. I’m not entirely sure when it all even started.

I have my ups and downs, good days and bad days. Some weeks it’ll be more bad than good, and in other weeks vice-versa. But something that really struck a chord with me at the beginning of this year was when a family member said to me, “But what have you got to be depressed about?”

I imagine a lot of you are now shouting at your screen saying ‘Wahhh they can’t fucking say that, that’s bang out of order!’ But I genuinely don’t think it was meant maliciously – I looked at it from their point of view. If I’ve never talked about these feelings to anyone, and to them I’ve always seemed okay, how can I expect them to understand why I feel this way? Especially when I don’t understand myself? I think it was a genuine question, born out of a desire to understand and try and help me through the things I was feeling. And in fact, it’s a question I’d often asked myself, and got more and more frustrated when I couldn’t think of an answer.

After all, 2020 was set to be a great year — I’m getting married, going on honeymoon, work was going well and I’ve been working on bigger projects, I have my own home with my partner, and we don’t want for much. So on the face of it, sure! My life is great and I can’t complain. ‘Musn’t grumble,’ as they say in these parts.

But always, in the back of my mind, there has been a dark cloud hanging over everything. I’m not enough, I’m not doing enough, what I’m doing isn’t good enough, I’m letting people down, I’m trying to keep everyone happy at the expense of myself, and in turn, keeping no one happy. What’s the point? Success was always tinged with an air of ‘could I have done better?’, never allowing me to fully enjoy my triumphs despite praise from others.

So February comes around, and there I was, off work with depression for 3 weeks, completely devoid of motivation and self-worth. But, even though that was the first time almost anybody knew that I was feeling that way, the reality was that inside I’d always felt this way. That’s the kicker — to most people I appear completely happy (albeit grumpy), able to hold down a good job, have solid relationships and, generally, seem okay.

However, I feel like a quote from the Deaf Havana song ‘Happiness’ best describes how I’d been living my life:

I’ve been trying out this thing they call happiness for a while
But I never truly cleared my cluttered mind

I feel it sums me up perfectly — while sometimes I have weeks where I am in the depths of dispair (see 3 weeks off work), the majority of the time it is more a sense of not quite being able to enjoy life to the fullest. Running at 90% happiness, if you will.

It is the devil on my shoulder, reminding me of the worries in my life — from loved ones, to money, to what is going on in the wider world. Someone constantly reminding me I’m not good enough at this or that. Not achieving enough, even though I’m actually achieving a lot.

So, with that in mind, and my family member’s question still ringing in my ears, I Googled ‘My life is great, so why am I depressed?’

What I found gave me an almost instant relief. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t weird. I could put a name to these feelings I’d felt for so long.

High-functioning depression.

So, what is it? Well, high-functioning depression, or dysthymia, basically means that even though I look & seem fine, mostly act fine, and can lead a normal life, I still suffer from a chronic low-level depression.

Now, you might think that, because I can lead this realtively normal life (what even is normal anymore?), on the face of things, I can probably just get on with my day with a stiff upper lip and peppy attitude. Unfortunately, that’s part of the problem.

Because I don’t have crippling depression which means I can’t leave the house or that I don’t want to kill myself 24/7, I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to get help. It would be indulgent — I’m already managing to cope.

This makes you feel like you’re faking it, and, because on the surface you seem fine, that no one believes you (they might, but those are rational thoughts, and dysthymia has no place for those). You might feel that because those around you don’t suffer from any form of depression (that you know about), they won’t understnad — and that makes you feel very alone.

You feel like, to get the help you desperately need, you have to lie. That makes you feel bad, because mum & dad always told you not to lie. And maybe I’m taking those resources away from somebody in greater need?

While the good days are pretty normal (albeit I don’t feel like I’m reaching my full potential), the bad days are crippling. But because I feel like I need to put that face on and get on with my life, I push through. And that’s exhausting. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve fallen asleep on my train home and nearly missed my stop. Oh, and it means I’m irritable, sometimes crabby, and then I feel guilty for snapping and generally being a bit of an arsehole.

I think the biggest aspect for me, is that I constantly feel like I can’t perform anything at 100%. I can’t dive into a project head first, I can’t get going on writing my book, hell, it’s taken me two months and a pandemic to write this post! And that, as a perfectionist, affects me more than most things. It makes me feel useless, not worth the money I’m paid, and not worthy of the people I love. And you know what? I get so damn frustrated. Monumentally fucked off, actually. Sometimes I’d scream into pillows, sob and punch things. It was too much.

All of this built up and up until one day I snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I went off work for 3 weeks, and my depression turned into severe depression. I spent the first week in a trance and the next two weeks trying to figure out how the fuck I’d get through it all.

Jeez, this went downhill fast, didn’t it! If this sounds familiar, or to make things a wee bit easier, the TLDR is:

If you notice any of these signs and symptoms, then it might be time to take action and get help:

• Joylessness.
• Loud inner critic.
• Frequent self-doubt spirals.
• Sleep problems, low energy, and exhaustion.
• Feelings of anger, irritability, and argumentativeness.
• Blowing things out of proportion.
• Excessive worry or guilt about the past and future.
• Coping strategies like drinking or excessive exercising.
• Malaise (always feeling blue).
• Perfectionism.
• Inability to stay still.

Thanks, oscar!

It’s not all doom and gloom.

My time off was caused by a burn out on all fronts, simply because I hadn’t dealt with issues around boundaries and I also didn’t have the tools in place to deal with what I was feeling.

So, if any of the above sounds like it might resonate with you, fear not! There is hope. I’m not going to promise miracle cures, I’m not even going to say these things will 100% make it better, because the reality is you’re going to have good days and bad days, just like I still do. But hopefully the good days will be better, and the bad days will take less of a toll.

Firstly, let me touch on causes & reasons. Step one is to understand (and make others understand) that depression is a question of causes, not reasons. It can be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, genetics, poor nutrition, physical health, stress and drugs. That’s why someone who appears to have it all can suffer from depression — some of these causes are simply out of our control.

1. Understanding that you’re not alone

I’ve already covered this one a bit, but a huge relief for me was just knowing I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t weird. And that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s helped me feel less guilty about seeking help, and less guilty about constantly feeling down.

It’s also important to realise that you’re human, and the fact of the matter is that when you do too much for too long, you’ll burn out and end up getting down about it. Whether it’s work, kids, relationships, or even dealing with the thoughts going around in your own head, if you keep it all bottled up it’ll eventually explode. Before that happens, see below.

2. Address problem areas

So, for me, boundaries were a major issue. It’s something I’m still working on, but I always wanted to keep everyone happy. I also felt like I couldn’t say ‘no’, and that my life and what is best for me was often dictated by others, and therefore it wasn’t actually mine. This would, almost inevitably, come at the cost of my own happiness, and guess what? The saying is true — you can’t please everybody all of the time. So, how about we start with you?

Discuss the issues with whoever it is candidly. Aim to not let it descend into a slanging match (easier said than done!), but keep things respectful, factual and state how you feel, because no fucker can tell you how to feel! For me writing a letter helped, as I’m better getting things down on paper than I am verbally discussing it, especially when there’s a lot I want to cover.

This lifted a weight off my shoulders, and I’d recommend anyone to read ‘F*ck No!’ by Sarah Knight, and ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck’ by Mark Manson. Both are incredible books that, quite literally, changed my life.

3. Make a list of things that bring you up

This one was a great tip from my fiancee — she challenged me to make a list of things I like doing that help lift my mood. For me it’s things like walking, reading, writing, playing football, playing video games, spending time with animals… the list goes on! But by getting these things down on paper it makes it easier to look back on a bad day and think ‘Right, I know I’m not feeling great, so let’s do something I love!’.

4. Social Media has to go!

So, this is probably the one most people will struggle with. I really struggle watching the news, because hot damn it’s depressing. It’s Covid-19 this, Brexit that, Donald Trump the other. And social media is pretty much the same too, but also filled with bullshit opinions and fake news galore! It’s tough, but I’d 100% recommend going cold turkey. Deactivate that Facebook, hide your Twitter and delete your Instagram! You’ll be amazed at how much you don’t miss them. In fact, I’d say you open those apps most of the time because you’re bored and through sheer habit.

Just look at your screen time on your phone to see how much time you could claw back, and once you’ve deleted them… do the things on the list you just made! Go get some exercise, ring your friends, or better yet actually meet them (when we’re allowed)! Not only will you feel better, but you’ll miss out on a lot less than you actually think.

If you really feel you can’t delete them, I would urge you to at least really cull who you’re friends with or following. Take the toxic people out of your life (or newsfeed) and watch your mind be set free. And before you give me that ‘but my family are only on Facebook’ line — HEY. Listen. We have telephones, just give them a ring to catch up. Or better yet, Zoom/ Skype/ Houseparty them! There is now absolutely no excuse — if my grandparents can use Zoom, so can yours.

I tend to try and limit my time checking social media to a couple of times a day, and to post out things like this article — and yes, I see the irony!

5. Explore

Something that has really helped me is walking. I love getting outside, and because you can only walk so quickly, the world tends to slow down and you see so much more. We’re used to spending our lives at 1,000mph, dashing about on trains, in cars and on planes. But that means we miss what is right in front of us. Walking has taught me that things don’t have to move so quickly, that patience, hard work, and a bit of perspective can be so rewarding. I’d recommend it for anyone.

Not only that, but exercise is so key for mental health, and fresh air is scientifically proven to make you happier.

6. Get some help

This is the big one — help. It’s the most difficult one too, for a variety of reasons. First up, it takes a lot to admit you need help. But if you’re reading this, guess what? You’re already there. You’re looking for answers to the problem, and that means you’re on the right road.

‘Counselling’ or ‘therapy’ are scary terms. We’ve been conditioned by Hollywood to believe that means laying on a Chaise Longue while a phsychiatrist burrows into the depths of your mind — but that couldn’t be further from the truth in my experience.

It’s more about exploring the way you feel, and coming up with tools and techniques to help you deal with those feelings. I’m not saying it will be the same for everyone, but I think it’s the best way of helping you deal with what you’re going through — you’re not alone.

If not therapy, then firstly find someone you’re comfortable talking to. For me it has always been my fiancée – she’ll just sit and listen, letting me get it all out, asking questions to help me figure things out myself. It might be a partner, a parent, a sibling or a friend — or even someone like CALM, Samaritans or other organisations. Reaching out to someone is a massive step, but just bear in mind they aren’t necessarily qualified (apart from the organisations I’ve mentioned above) to give the help you really need. That’s why I’d recommend a professional.

Of course cost is another issue — it ain’t cheap! But in my mind when it comes to something like this, it’s worth the money. You’d spend in on a gym membership for your physical body, so why not for your mind?

Just remember — everyone who suffers from depression deserves treatment.

All in all you are the master of your own ship. It’s up to you where you go, what you do, how you act and what you decide. The above is my take on it, and will it be right for everyone? Absolutely not. Will it solve everything? Absolutely not. But take it from this high-functioning depressive, the most courageous thing you can do is admit there’s a problem and take action, and hopefully my story can help you on your journey to finding a happier life.

Until next time,
DJ

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